Christopher Lee

Christopher Lee<br /><br />Best known for his portrayal of iconic villains in over 260 movies. Roles include Dracula, Frankensteins Monster, the Mummy, Francisco Scaramanga, Dark Jedi, evil wizards, and. eh, you get the idea.<br /><br />Despite being born during the silent era, Lee still stands a healthy 6 5, earning him dual Guinness World Records for Tallest Leading Actor, and Actor Least Likely to Star Alongside Tom Cruise.<br /><br />Served in the British Special Forces during WWII, filmed more swordfights than any other actor in history, married a Danish supermodel, speaks seven languages, knows every local custom, and is rumored to be in possession of the Holy Grail. Lee probably could have started acting at an even earlier age, but decided that the Nazis overrunning Europe were a cause more worthy to fight for than Classics. He left school in 1939 to help the Finnish fight the Soviet Union in the war where the Molotov cocktail got its name from. and found it boring.<br /><br />Not badass enough for Christopher Lee.<br /><br />For a man who eventually built an entire career off drinking blood, Lee admitted that fighting the Reds wasnt all he had hoped, so he transferred to the Royal Air Force, and then the more badass sounding Long Range Desert Group. It was there Lee honed one of his greatest talents: killing Nazis.<br /><br />While this may sound like Englands WWII equivalent to a certain league peopled by extraordinary gentlemen, the truth is actually closer to a much better movie. Though their exact function in WWII remains classified to this day, what we do know is that Britains Special Operations Executive was tasked by Winston Churchill himself to set Europe ablaze. Thats right, Christopher Lee was a founding member of the original Inglourious Basterds.<br /><br />Based on a true story. However, after finding that no worthy adversary could be found in fiction either, Lee decided to establish himself as the ultimate villain of cinema by starring in just about every horror movie Hammer Film Productions could steal from Abbot and Costello. He became the most iconic actor to portray Dracula since the legendary and weird as hell Bela Lugosi, partaking in Hammers more liberal approach towards on screen blood, violence, and female nudity along the way. To bolster his already daunting villainous stature, it was decided on a space station easily mistakable for a small moon that the only man mad enough to take on Lees Dracula was Grand Moff Tarkin himself, Peter Cushing.<br /><br />League of Extraordinary Evil, 57 mixer.<br /><br />Thats right, the guy who blew up Alderaan and its two billions inhabitants actually plays the good guy in these movies. Thatd be like casting Heath Ledgers Joker as Ronald McDonald in Mac and Me.<br /><br />Unfortunately, Lee proved to be so good at pretending he was Dracula that Hammer Studios refused to let him do anything else. Lee has gone on record that he was blackmailed by Hammer who probably knew what he did with all those Nazi scalps: wear them into continuously making films, for loads of money, that required him to suck on the necks of exotic actresses with heaving bosoms. This alone should warrant Lee for a third Guinness World Record: Best. Blackmail. Ever.<br /><br />However, once his cousins in the League notified him that fellow cousin Ian Flemings spy novels were being adapted to film, Lee knew he had finally found the adversary he was waiting for: James fucking Bond.<br /><br />Ive been looking forward to this.<br /><br />License to Suck<br /><br />Christopher Lee wanted a piece of James Bond before the first film, Dr. No, even entered production. Please note that he did NOT want to play Bond; just kill him in front of Ursula Andress. Even Ian Fleming wanted to see if James Bond could last an evening on a radioactive island with Dracula. I mean, who wouldnt want to see that now more than ever?<br /><br />Unfortunately, Hammer refused to release Lee from his prison of endless wealth, fame, and cleavage, so instead all he got was a big, fancy mirror to watch the film from his ceiling. However, once that sex panther Sean Connery got replaced by creepy uncle looking Roger Moore, Lee realized that he couldnt play pelvic pinochle a minute longer. James Bond had to die.<br /><br />So, after unleashing what can only be surmised as some ungentlemanly secret service shit on Hammer execs, Lee broke free and finally got to star in The Man With the Golden Gun, as Himself.<br /><br />However, Bond flicks tend to have much less female nudity than Lee had grown accustomed to in films like The Wicker Man the good one. As such, Lee found this job almost as boring as killing Commies for Finland. Eager to get the stupid film over with, Lee let Moore take a shot at him with his harmless, non silver PP7. The film tanked as a result of its silly ending, and Roger Moore became firmly established as the Adam West of Bond actors. As for Lee, his career was a lot like himself: impossible to kill. Not only does he remain one of the most versatile actors in history, but one of the most bomb proof as well. I mean, have you actually seen 1941?<br /><br />Mopping the Floor with Gandalf the Grey<br /><br />Now that his days of ripping bodices and drinking blood were over until 2012, Christopher Lee spent the next 30 years of his life becoming Englands much cooler equivalent to Kevin Bacon. Armed with a vast resume, booming voice, and MONSTER eyebrows, he performed many of his own stunts and swordfights, earning honorary membership into three badass stuntmens unions which will probably evolve into the Masons of tomorrows Americas. He then landed the biggest break of his career when he was offered more on that in a minute the role of lead villain in Peter Jacksons The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Lets face it, that CGI eyeball was kinda weak.<br /><br />In hindsight, it may have been a good thing for Lee that Peter Jackson told Tolkiens friends and fans to fuck off. When you compare the role of Gandalf to Saruman, Lee definitely got the better half of the baby. Lees Saruman welded more power in Middle Earth than a maxed out mage from Dalaran, while Gandalfs powers appeared limited to playing flashlight tag with Nazgul, crashing parties hours before they started, and smoking all his best friends finest weed. He was essentially everyones least favorite college roommate.<br /><br />He then watched Merry and Pippin do his fucking laundry.<br /><br />However, after mercifully sparing audiences Saruman the Many Coloureds coming out party in The Return of the King, Peter Jackson followed with one of the biggest dick moves in modern cinematic history. Just days before the films release, Jackson cut Christopher Lees six minute scene to make room for the 11 Academy Award nominated pictures 11 Academy Award winning endings and to make a little money on the side through DVD sales since, apparently, $2.9 billion buys you only so many handjobs in New Zealand. When asked if he would still attend the films premiere, Lees bitch slap to Peter Jackson became required reading for every Lord of the Rings nerd on the planet: No, whats the point? Whats the point of going? None at all.